Going crazy...and back again...conquering the curves
So, after I decided to go back to the US, I felt calm, I knew it was the right decision, and then I started feeling totally overwhelmed by this city,...such a far cry from my island adventure. I guess that I didn't know what I was missing when I lived here before. Before, I was living in the backpackers enclave, and it was definitely a different vibe, less hectic than the farang ghetto that I am living in now. Anyway, the traffic on this street that I am living on is crazy, always taking five minutes to make my way across the street, the pollution, the pollution, pollution, the pollution, the constant construction...building, building, building, the heat, the dryness, the humidity, the clubs blasting their music when I am trying to sleep, the cement box that I am living in called an apartment, this weight that I've gained since being back here, the food, somehow unsatisfying, these people, molesting me with their problems, everyone wants a piece of me, my laughter, my smiles, its too hot to do anything, the guy who deleted all of my playlists: tragedy strikes, people can't understand me when I speak Thai, this farang ghetto I'm living in: the foreigners expecting the Thais to cater to them, my hair still telling me that she wants nothing to do with my head, why? THe Internet, not working, not working, not working, I'm paying for the Internet, am I retarded, why can't I fucking figure out how to put my pictures on-line...Living across the street from the STarbucks: am I in THailand or the US? THe rich Thais trying to be like the rich Americans, what is the point of me even being here? I feel trapped by the isolation of my room, yet I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I'm done, I'm over it... Is this the future of everything, too polluted to go outside, running for one air-conditioned artificial environment to the next, I feel like I am going crazy... its a humbling feeling though, this going crazy...It's time for me to start working again...Go home, go home, go home, What is home, am I home? Is home a place, is it found within myself? I'm so brave, so strong, I'm so weak, I'm so foreign here, I'm so foreign in the US.
Anyway, after sulking a few days, the rain came through and cleared out the heat and pollution and I found myself on my motorbike, with my backpack on, heading for the mountains... I couldn't find where I was planning on going, so instead, I followed this mountain road deeper and deeper into the forrest, up the mountain, farther and farther...I wasn't scared driving this time, I hugged the bike, and moved my body with the curves, not too fast, downshifting, steady on the incline... The cool air caressing my skin, the cows in the middle of the road, the fresh air, the trees, the stream, the little river...this calmness comes over me, the hilltribe people, working on their farms, yes, I am alive, home, this is home: mother nature: ma-ma, ma-ma- I guess that I am a nature girl at heart...
So, the next day, comes the real test: Let me back up for a moment, the first day that I rented a motorbike, nearly a year ago, I drove up to this temple on the top of Doi Sutep mountain: I didn't know what I was doing, and it was a really scary experience. There was so much traffic on the road, that I didn't think I could turn around, so I drove up to the top of the hill at 10 km an hour and down the hill at 5 km an hour, praying to Lord Buddha, Lord Jesus the whole time. Why, growing up in the mountains, have I always been so afraid of heights? And I couldn't help but see the metaphor in it. I've always known that I have this greatness in me, this power, this ability to rise to great heights, to see things, clearly, to look into someones eyes and know their truths, yet always been plagued by this fear of rising to my own heights, my own greatness....But I made it down the hill, alive, in one piece.
THe following weak, I'd met this cool, hippie guy who had pursuaded me to go with him to the waterfalls found up this same mountain. This time I wouldn't have to drive though; I'd be on the back of his motorbike, so I agreed. "There's nothing to worry about he says, I'll go nice and slow." Yeah, well, I was pissing myself with fear, and nearly crying by the time that we made it to the top. "I could die!!"
"Yeah, we're all going to die," he says.
So, I decided to not touch that hill again, until yesterday, when I got on my bike and conquered the curves, conquered the hill, conquered the heights, conquered my fears: balance, not too fast, not too slow, nice and easy, that feels good, real good. It was the perfect way to end my year-long adventure here in Thailand. I have conquered many fears by coming here alone, I have been transformed... this has been a magical year, I have touched my own greatness, I've learned to let go and trust, to have no plan, I have touched the LIO GRL inside of me... I guess that I won't really know all the ways that I've changed until I go back to the US, I guess that that will be the real test. Although I feel that it is time to go, I know that I will truly miss this country and these people, with their big hearts, and bright smiles... When I left Koh Phagnon, I cried, I wailed for a full hour- A piece of my heart will always be in Koh Phangon, just like a piece of my heart will always be in Chiang Mai, but I have a traveler's heart, and its time to move on... go home...wherever that is...the next adventure awaits... life in the U.S.
So, here I am, my last 10 days in Thailand, and I am going to enjoy every moment of it!!
Forgive my coffee high that I have while writing this...forgive my grammar mistakes as I am typing quickly...
Anyway, after sulking a few days, the rain came through and cleared out the heat and pollution and I found myself on my motorbike, with my backpack on, heading for the mountains... I couldn't find where I was planning on going, so instead, I followed this mountain road deeper and deeper into the forrest, up the mountain, farther and farther...I wasn't scared driving this time, I hugged the bike, and moved my body with the curves, not too fast, downshifting, steady on the incline... The cool air caressing my skin, the cows in the middle of the road, the fresh air, the trees, the stream, the little river...this calmness comes over me, the hilltribe people, working on their farms, yes, I am alive, home, this is home: mother nature: ma-ma, ma-ma- I guess that I am a nature girl at heart...
So, the next day, comes the real test: Let me back up for a moment, the first day that I rented a motorbike, nearly a year ago, I drove up to this temple on the top of Doi Sutep mountain: I didn't know what I was doing, and it was a really scary experience. There was so much traffic on the road, that I didn't think I could turn around, so I drove up to the top of the hill at 10 km an hour and down the hill at 5 km an hour, praying to Lord Buddha, Lord Jesus the whole time. Why, growing up in the mountains, have I always been so afraid of heights? And I couldn't help but see the metaphor in it. I've always known that I have this greatness in me, this power, this ability to rise to great heights, to see things, clearly, to look into someones eyes and know their truths, yet always been plagued by this fear of rising to my own heights, my own greatness....But I made it down the hill, alive, in one piece.
THe following weak, I'd met this cool, hippie guy who had pursuaded me to go with him to the waterfalls found up this same mountain. This time I wouldn't have to drive though; I'd be on the back of his motorbike, so I agreed. "There's nothing to worry about he says, I'll go nice and slow." Yeah, well, I was pissing myself with fear, and nearly crying by the time that we made it to the top. "I could die!!"
"Yeah, we're all going to die," he says.
So, I decided to not touch that hill again, until yesterday, when I got on my bike and conquered the curves, conquered the hill, conquered the heights, conquered my fears: balance, not too fast, not too slow, nice and easy, that feels good, real good. It was the perfect way to end my year-long adventure here in Thailand. I have conquered many fears by coming here alone, I have been transformed... this has been a magical year, I have touched my own greatness, I've learned to let go and trust, to have no plan, I have touched the LIO GRL inside of me... I guess that I won't really know all the ways that I've changed until I go back to the US, I guess that that will be the real test. Although I feel that it is time to go, I know that I will truly miss this country and these people, with their big hearts, and bright smiles... When I left Koh Phagnon, I cried, I wailed for a full hour- A piece of my heart will always be in Koh Phangon, just like a piece of my heart will always be in Chiang Mai, but I have a traveler's heart, and its time to move on... go home...wherever that is...the next adventure awaits... life in the U.S.
So, here I am, my last 10 days in Thailand, and I am going to enjoy every moment of it!!
Forgive my coffee high that I have while writing this...forgive my grammar mistakes as I am typing quickly...
posted by meagan at 11:40 PM
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