Going crazy...and back again...conquering the curves

So, after I decided to go back to the US, I felt calm, I knew it was the right decision, and then I started feeling totally overwhelmed by this city,...such a far cry from my island adventure. I guess that I didn't know what I was missing when I lived here before. Before, I was living in the backpackers enclave, and it was definitely a different vibe, less hectic than the farang ghetto that I am living in now. Anyway, the traffic on this street that I am living on is crazy, always taking five minutes to make my way across the street, the pollution, the pollution, pollution, the pollution, the constant construction...building, building, building, the heat, the dryness, the humidity, the clubs blasting their music when I am trying to sleep, the cement box that I am living in called an apartment, this weight that I've gained since being back here, the food, somehow unsatisfying, these people, molesting me with their problems, everyone wants a piece of me, my laughter, my smiles, its too hot to do anything, the guy who deleted all of my playlists: tragedy strikes, people can't understand me when I speak Thai, this farang ghetto I'm living in: the foreigners expecting the Thais to cater to them, my hair still telling me that she wants nothing to do with my head, why? THe Internet, not working, not working, not working, I'm paying for the Internet, am I retarded, why can't I fucking figure out how to put my pictures on-line...Living across the street from the STarbucks: am I in THailand or the US? THe rich Thais trying to be like the rich Americans, what is the point of me even being here? I feel trapped by the isolation of my room, yet I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I'm done, I'm over it... Is this the future of everything, too polluted to go outside, running for one air-conditioned artificial environment to the next, I feel like I am going crazy... its a humbling feeling though, this going crazy...It's time for me to start working again...Go home, go home, go home, What is home, am I home? Is home a place, is it found within myself? I'm so brave, so strong, I'm so weak, I'm so foreign here, I'm so foreign in the US.

Anyway, after sulking a few days, the rain came through and cleared out the heat and pollution and I found myself on my motorbike, with my backpack on, heading for the mountains... I couldn't find where I was planning on going, so instead, I followed this mountain road deeper and deeper into the forrest, up the mountain, farther and farther...I wasn't scared driving this time, I hugged the bike, and moved my body with the curves, not too fast, downshifting, steady on the incline... The cool air caressing my skin, the cows in the middle of the road, the fresh air, the trees, the stream, the little river...this calmness comes over me, the hilltribe people, working on their farms, yes, I am alive, home, this is home: mother nature: ma-ma, ma-ma- I guess that I am a nature girl at heart...

So, the next day, comes the real test: Let me back up for a moment, the first day that I rented a motorbike, nearly a year ago, I drove up to this temple on the top of Doi Sutep mountain: I didn't know what I was doing, and it was a really scary experience. There was so much traffic on the road, that I didn't think I could turn around, so I drove up to the top of the hill at 10 km an hour and down the hill at 5 km an hour, praying to Lord Buddha, Lord Jesus the whole time. Why, growing up in the mountains, have I always been so afraid of heights? And I couldn't help but see the metaphor in it. I've always known that I have this greatness in me, this power, this ability to rise to great heights, to see things, clearly, to look into someones eyes and know their truths, yet always been plagued by this fear of rising to my own heights, my own greatness....But I made it down the hill, alive, in one piece.

THe following weak, I'd met this cool, hippie guy who had pursuaded me to go with him to the waterfalls found up this same mountain. This time I wouldn't have to drive though; I'd be on the back of his motorbike, so I agreed. "There's nothing to worry about he says, I'll go nice and slow." Yeah, well, I was pissing myself with fear, and nearly crying by the time that we made it to the top. "I could die!!"

"Yeah, we're all going to die," he says.

So, I decided to not touch that hill again, until yesterday, when I got on my bike and conquered the curves, conquered the hill, conquered the heights, conquered my fears: balance, not too fast, not too slow, nice and easy, that feels good, real good. It was the perfect way to end my year-long adventure here in Thailand. I have conquered many fears by coming here alone, I have been transformed... this has been a magical year, I have touched my own greatness, I've learned to let go and trust, to have no plan, I have touched the LIO GRL inside of me... I guess that I won't really know all the ways that I've changed until I go back to the US, I guess that that will be the real test. Although I feel that it is time to go, I know that I will truly miss this country and these people, with their big hearts, and bright smiles... When I left Koh Phagnon, I cried, I wailed for a full hour- A piece of my heart will always be in Koh Phangon, just like a piece of my heart will always be in Chiang Mai, but I have a traveler's heart, and its time to move on... go home...wherever that is...the next adventure awaits... life in the U.S.



So, here I am, my last 10 days in Thailand, and I am going to enjoy every moment of it!!

Forgive my coffee high that I have while writing this...forgive my grammar mistakes as I am typing quickly...

Making Peace with Jesus

This happened about a month ago...I've always had this thing against Jesus; I've always prayed to God, but not Jesus. "Jesus died on the cross for our sins" Right, well wasn't that was his choice as well, wasn't it? Jesus has scared me to a certain degree. I remember being a young child and going to church with my family, and I requested that we stop going because I didn't like how they talked about Jesus.

I've been traveling with this book by Doreen Virtue which consists of a variety of prayers to Gods and Dieties from different religions...and I've been praying to Archaengel Michael, and a couple of others throughout my travels. Anyway, I opened to the page on Jesus, and she was talking about the magnificent healing powers of Jesus. I think the heart of Jesus' teaching is about peace, acceptance, and unconditional love. So, I decided to make peace with Jesus and started praying to Him to heal me in various ways, and to heal my body full of so many aches and pains in my shoulders, back, hips, and knees. I've had a lot of body work done here, and everyone is always surprised by how messed up my body is. So, I started praying to Jesus to heal my body.

A couple of days later, I went to this breakfast place in town that I hadn't been to in quite a while. I saw this guy outside parking his bike, and I could tell that he was a cool guy: he had that sort of familiarity that I've spoken about before, like he resembles someone I know in the US or I've known him before, like he has that brightness in his eyes and nice energy that I could recognize.

So, he walks in and sits behind me, and then we start chatting, and end up sitting together. We have this really dynamic conversation about various things... I was feeling kind of lonely and bummed out about my hair falling out, and I remember almost crying talking to him because meeting him just gives me faith in life, that there are people like me out there. I say to him how I feel like I've seen him before, and we realize that we had crossed paths the previous day at the Chinese medicine herbalists... He then starts saying how he was trained by a Catholic priest (he's Italian) to do this type of energetic/ shamanistic body work that is different than anything I've ever done before. He says how he has healed a lot of people who have tried everything. A light bulb clicked in my head, and he agreed to give me a session that day because he was leaving the following day.

Anyway, he gave me this amazing session. Again, he commented on how I must be storing a lot of past life stuff in my body. No, I am not cured, but it helped a lot, and mostly just made me realize that Jesus delivers, that syncronisity is always working when I stop and open to it... I love you Jesus!! I am going to keep on praying to you!! I have faith that my body will be healed when the time is right...

P.S. I've also done a few past life regressions here... Wow!! Knarly!!

The week in review

Well, well, well For my five week TEFL course one week down, four weeks to go!! I asked my instructor if there was anything I needed to do before the course started and she said to have a fun weekend because I wasnt going to be going out again for the next five weeks!!

Last weekend I coincidentally ended up meeting a lot of local English teachers, and I did have a great, fun weekend. I discovered a bunch of local hang-outs, and Im starting to slowly feel at home. That feels good after having traveled for so long! Im starting to learn the Thai peoples names at all of my hang-outs as well. That makes things feel more homey.

The course is really intense with huge amounts of reading and work. Ive never had so much respect for teachers. Were reading all of this in-depth theory on teaching and learning, going into in-depths grammar, and lesson planning. It feels good to have a schedule again, and Im drawing on my last couple of months of fun and relaxation to remind me that stress is a state of mind. I can choose to get stressed out or not! Its true though that it is a lot of work, and I doubt Ill be going out for the next couple of weeks. Next week is our first week teaching. We are going to be teaching 4 classes in addition to tests and reading and lesson plans. I feel like Ill really know what Im doing by the time that I leave though.

The instructor is a really enthusiastic, smart, organized young woman. She cant be much older than me. Anyway, Ive never met someone who is both friendly, funny, and also assertive. Its great to see.

It feels utterly bizarre to be wearing professional clothing and make-up again. A is for adult. I feel like an adult, soon to be with a real, professional job. Ive spent the last week in air-conditioned buildings, under fluorescent lights, a far cry from my island adventure. And its true, I do feel a certain sadness, a certain disconnect from nature, but luckily Chiang Mai university, where I am taking the course is full of greenery and trees and has a nice view of the nearby mountains, so that is nice. I am certain to spend a couple of minutes each day with nature.

I walked to the Laundromat today to drop off my dirty clothes and was completely sweating by the time that I got there. I forgot what it is like to walk around here.

Ggrrr I just paid to set up wire-less Internet in my apartment, and it isnt workinghopefully thatll get fixed soon.


Rainrain..rain its been raining off and on all week. It rained for 24 hours straight one day. I dont think that Ive ever lived somewhere where it rains continuously like that. I learned that my street floods quite easily. One day, I had to roll up my pants, take off my shoes, and wade through a couple of feet of water to get home. It floods quickly here, but it also drains quickly. There is something really comforting about the rain, but today is the first clear day weve had in over a week, and that is also lovely.
Other than that back to studying!!

The African Man-Again

P.S.

As I was leaving Koh Phangon, I saw the African man again, he was coming, I was going...what is his message for me, that's like the 7th coincidence!!

Back to Plan A- Chiang Mai

I wasnt sure how I would like coming back to Chiang Mai after living on the beach for so long, but Chiang Mai has so many of its own lovely qualities, and is so nice for a city. I stayed at my normal guest house where the Thai owners have become friends. I was surprised, walking around town how many people recognized me from restaurants, etc, too. There are lots of good restaurants here too!! Chiang Mai feels like home to a certain degree.
Things seemed to work out in perfect synchronicity. In one day, I rented a motorbike, and effortlessly found a really great apartment, an American style gym, and got a job offer for when I finish my TEFL. Things seem to work out when you live in the NOW.
My apartment is on the trendy Neimmanheiman road, and has a pool. Its still just a studio, no kitchen, but its a good size, and has TV, fridge, A/C, and is furnishedit feels so luxurious!! There seems to be a nice mix of Thai and farang there. The girl at the front desk is super nice, a future friends I think, and I was able to sign the lease in English. It felt good knowing what I was signing this time around. Ive decorated it with cool stuff from the Sunday market and night bazaar. Chiang Mai is the center of textiles, and all the things they produce here are so lovely: all this stuff would easily cost ten times the price in the US! I feel like I am living like a queen here! I dont seem myself staying here forever, but life is so easy here.
Ive been hanging out at this trendy coffee shop across the street. Here I am, adjusting to wearing more than just my bathing suit and sarong, and everyone there is decked out, but Im practicing being myself, and Im foreign, so Im allowed to look weird : ) I met some cool Thais there, so its my intention to continue to expand my social circle, and hang out with more Thais, and learn the language a bit better. I met these lovely gay Thai guys here who run a non-profit AIDS awareness NGO, so Im going to possibly volunteer with them.
I also just ran into a friend from the island, and she is taking an Eastern Arts healing course, and they volunteer with giving reiki to Cancer and leprosy patients, so I might do that as well. I know reiki! Lots of options! I love how the universe works because I was just saying to myself how I would love to volunteer somewhere!
My TEFL course starts next week, so I should be all settled by then. Im looking forward to it!!

Help my Hair!

So, I haven’t cut my hair in 9 months, it’s a little past my shoulders, but I think that she likes being short. So, when I was in Koh Phangon, I barely touched my hair, besides washing it… I stopped with the blow dryer and all of the products, and coloring it, etc… and my hair turned to this beautiful platinum blond color that everyone complimented me on, and my hair seemed to be doing relatively well.
Anyway, back it Bangkok, it darkened quickly, so I decided to get it high lighted, and it also became clear that the ends are terribly dry, which I have never had to deal with as I have oily hair. I highlighted it and did some moisturinzing procedure. Well, everything is cheap here and poor quality because the color hardly took.
Anyway, now my hair is falling out whenever I comb it in these huge chunks, and I don’t have a lot to spare!! The ends are also so dry and frizzy. I think that she’ll be happier once I give her a trim. I don’t know if it is the adjustment back to city life, pollution, food, etc…
Ahh, I long for the natural beauty, good-quaility food, no-car, non-polluition of “The Beach.”

Island Adventure

Island Adventure

Well I guess its been a while since my last blog... After my massage course, I was led down to the beautiful island of Koh Phangon on the request of a massage buddy to check out a retreat down there. Anyway, I wanted to check the island out before because it is mostly a backpacker's island, and remains yet untouched by the big resorts, Starbucks, and McDonald's. The retreat there was excellent, but after all of these retreats, I was hungry for some fun, so I decided to go visit a friend also from the massage course who was staying on the other side of the island. I got a taxi to Hatt Rin, which is the town where they have the full moon parties, and knew instantly that I didn't want to be staying there for very long...(overall skanky vibe, not the type of place I wanted to be hanging out)...So I got a long tail boat to Hatt Tien where my friend was doing a fast. Anyway, some guy on the taxi had told me that if I was heading to that part of the island that I should stay at Bamboo Hut, "Good luck though, it is usually full." he says..."O.K." I say though. "Thanks for the advise." My friend is doing a fast at a different resort called "The Sanctuary," I'd seen adds for it all over Northern Thailand, but its know to be low quality and expensive, so I want to stay someplace else anyway.
Anyway, it was a cloudy day and waves looked a little rough, but I had nothing to compare it too really, so I told the boat drivers that I wanted to go to Hatt Tien, and they told me to wait a little bit for more people, so I sat down on the beach and waited.
About twenty minutes later, the boat guy comes back with about 10 Israelis, and a bunch of food supplies for the places on the other side, and we set off for Hatt Tien. I guess its only about 10-15 minutes away.
Anyway, getting on the long-tail (basically just a wooden little boat) is kind of an ordeal, I get really wet, but all I'm thinking about is my computer (why am I traveling with a laptop again?) Anyway, we are all loaded and take off when it becomes aparent that we are in quite a precarious situation...the waves are huge, and thank God that this boat driver really knows what he is doing (the boats have a car engine and a rutter to power and stear them) because there were numerous waves that could of taken us all out. One of the Israeli girls starts yelling at the boat driver, "Please, turn around, turn around!"
The Israelis are really dramatic!! Anyway, it would have caused way more problems to turn around, and some other girls told me that there was a beach just around the cove called Hatt Yuan, before the beach I was going to, Hatt Tien, so I decided that it would probably be best to get off there. So we trudge along for about ten minutes, and I'm just thinking, "Well, if it is my destiny to go overboard with my computer than it is my destiny." But I'm also saying lots of prayers that we get to the beach safely (I really like my computer : )
So we get to shore, and the boat driver is yelling to the guys on the beach for a good ten minutes back and forth... I think that they were trying to figure out how to get us and everything off. So after this yelling a bunch of guys come out and start carrying out things to shore over their head, but they are all wet up to their chest. I see my backpack with my computer arrive safely at shore, and take a deep breath of relief. Ahh, its o.k., I jump off the boat, and am also soaked up to my chest, pay the boat driver, and some people tell me that its a twenty minute walk to the next beach over where my friend is.
Anyway, I put on my big backpacker's backpack on my back, and then my other huge back pack on the front (traveling with wayy to much stuff!!) and my other little purse bag on my side and start trekking across the beach, up some boulder stairs, when I die of exhaustion at a restaurant, bungalow place just on top of the hill, situated on these huge boulders overlooking the whole bay. Although its cloudy, its still hot and humid, and I'm way too loaded down to really be hiking up mountains or anything.
The guys working there say "Hello, can we help you? Come in, have something to eat!" They can see how exhausted I am and help me with my bags, and I sit down to have some food. Knowing that I probably won't make it to the other side, I ask them if they have rooms, "One room left," they say. "Ohh, can I take it?" I ask.
"We save for you, you look at it, and if you don't like, then no problem."
Wow, they're nice, I say to myself. So I sit down on their patio which overlooks the whole beach. There are also these brilliant rugged mountains rising from the beach, with lush jungle and forrest on them. It is really breathtaking. There is something so perfect about the combination of beach and mountain, and for a moment I am reminded of Santa Barbara that also has this beautiful combination.
Anyway, I order, and am delighted with the presentation of food that I receive, it's so beautiful, almost too beautiful too eat, and quite a good, cheap price for the islands, and a large serving, quite unusual... Furthermore, I am blown away with every bite of food I take. This food is good, real good, my taste buds are orgasiming with every bite. So I finish, and take a look at the bungalow. It's pretty big, very clean, 24 hour eletricity, fan, bathroom, ocean view for 300 baht a night, (about eight US dollars), so I take it.
Finally, I ask them where I am, I'd forgotten that part, and they say, "Bamboo Hut" and I think, "Wow, what a coincidence, it was as if the universe or God, or whatever wanted me on that beach, at that bungalow resort, and had conspired to anger the waves enough that I would be forced to get off at Hatt Yuan and hike and collapse at Bamboo Hut."
So, I get situated, and trek over to the other side to visit my friend. I am actually quite content that I decided to get a room where I was because the hike is steep and arduous, although its only about 15 minutes, but there is no way that I could of done it with all of my stuff. Anyway, the next beach over is rocky, and has different energy, and it fails in comparison to my beach. I find my friend, and we chat, but she is busy with all of her fasting stuff, so I know that I am pretty much on my own.
So I woke-up the following morning to a beautiful, clear, cloudless day, and walked down to the restaurant, and was stunned by the beauty of this place. The ocean matched the color of the sky: perfect blue, highlighted with the deep-green, jungle forest mountains. This is a piece of paradise, I thought to myself. Everyone at the restaurant knew my name, and said, Meagan, How are you-kap? (They add Kap to the end of every phrase as a polite tense). Anyway, it was so nice, but their kindness almost made me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed. My ego kicked in, saying, They probably think you are a loser, all by yourself.

About this time, I was also starting to tire of meeting people that I have a genuine connection with, only to bid them goodbye days later. This shyness started to infiltrate me, I no longer had the energy to put myself out there, only to make and lose friends so quickly. I noticed this big thai-style table, low to the ground, with lots of people sitting on cushions around it on the upper-level of the restaurant, but I took a seat at one of the tables on the lower level, by myself. The restaurant is typical thai style, being completely open, giving you a perfect view of the beach below. Anyway, I hungered for company, but was feeling devastatingly shy, so I sat all by myself. The food was again, mouthwateringly good, and surprisingly inexpensive. I ordered eggs and toast: the bread was homemade, and the eggs had to be free-range, garnished with a orchid flower, just to let you know how special you are!
I explored the beach and the two adjacent beaches. The third beach over, was really quiet, and there was just one bungalow resort there. The people were a little rude, and I thought to myself, Ahh, tomorrow, Ill move over here where I can be invisible. If I am going to be alone, might as well be invisible! It was funny, because I ran into some people that Id met a month before in Northern Thailand; I guess there is a specific tourist track.
That evening, I forced myself to go back down to the restaurant at Bamboo Hut. Now eating breakfast and lunch alone, I dont mind, I even enjoy, but there is something about the darkness, eating dinner alone that I do not like, I really prefer to eat dinner with people. Anyway, again haunted by this born-again shyness, I forced myself to go and sit at the bar. As I walked in, everyone said my name, Ahh, Meagan from California (yes, I was born in California, technically I am from California). Again, I was feeling overwhelmed by the attention, but I sat at the bar, walking past this big group of people at the big table. One of the guys who works there, Ya, brought someone over from the big table. Meagan, this is Michael Jackson from California. Not really Michael Jackson, but Michael from California. Anyway, this guy was funny and quirky, in his early forties. Hed made a million in the dot.com boom, and decided to sell his home in the bay area, and retire, giving himself a 35,000 a year budget, plenty of money for a single man. Michael became one of my good friends there.
Anyway, he introduced me to more people at the big table, and I found myself laughing with instant friends, just what the doctor ordered! There were a lot of people who come and go, but more who stayed for long periods of time calling this place home. Everyone seemed unique: artists, writers, yoga teachers, everyone with a unique story of how they managed to travel.
To regress for a moment, Id met this Australian guy the week before on this really isolated part of the island where I was doing my retreat. We shared a brief conversation at a coffee shop. I again was feeling super shy; he had started the conversation, but I could tell that there was something special about him: this brightness in his eyes, he had this really nice, soothing energy, and Id said a prayer, a couple of nights later, the night of the full-moon, that I would see him again, but as I left for this other part of the island, I let it go, knowing that there was no way he would also venture to this part of the island. He was renting a house where Id first met him, playing on-line poker full-time, traveling the world that way. Hed dropped-out of his physics, PHD program to follow his dreams and travel.
Anyway, I was wearing a baseball cap, and had my hair up in it, and I look up and see this same Australian guy looking at me, also part of the big table group. We chatted for a moment before I said, I think weve met before, and he says to me, Meagan, I didnt recognize you!! So that started my first island romance. We were both Leos, both felt out of touch with our Leo-ness, like it was somehow lost, and we were trying to get in touch with it, we were both exchange students in high school, and he had taught English in China, and here I am getting ready to teach in Thailand. But travelers romances seem to come and gohe left to go back to his house/work after a couple of days, and then was off to Europe. I did get a nice date out of it, and made a good friend. I mention it because it was one of many synchronistic experiences.

I left after a week of pure fun, again heading to another part of the island to check out this yoga school. Everything that week was perfect, and I wanted to leave it that way. Everyone told me that I would be back, but I wasnt so sure. Anyway, the yoga was cool, a full day of lectures, practice, and meditation, but the beauty, food, and people of Hatt Yuan called me back, and I realized that financially it was also cheaper to stay there, so I went back, and one week turned into three months
I have lots of good stories, made lots of friends, and learned so much about myself and the world through my friendships, both with Thais and other travlers, but Im saving those stories for later. I felt so taken care of by the staff there, and a lot of my anxiety about living in the east, guilt almost about being a foreigner here disappeared there. The food was really so good, and it seemed to nourish my soul. I got pretty sick one time, and also dislocated my knee. Its always hard for me to accept help, but everyone took care of me. It was a great feeling! I also left once or twice to check-out the adjacent islands, and for a little alone time when I was feeling overwhelmed by knowing absolutely everyone, and when I was getting a little bit of Island fever living on just one beach.

I met a couple of people with these bright eyes, I'll say, people who you can look at just know that you have something to teach each other, people that you know that you have known before. Some of them, I just knew for a day or two, just exchanged a conversation with, and some of them I got to know more intimately. Those rare gems, I'll say people who just, "get it."

Anyway, after three months, a few things made me realize that you cant live like this forever. I started longing for someplace where I would really be able to grow roots, and started longing to work again. So I find myself once again In Chiang Mai, back to plan A, teaching English, with a newfound comfort with myself, with THaialnd, with Thai people, and with the big world around me.

Im signed up for the TEFL course, which is a month long and certifies me to teach English. Ive already got lots of job leads, so I dont think work will be a problem! Its funny, I was signed up to take this course nearly eight months ago, and I dropped it, and sold my car to instead hang-out, take a Thai language course, do meditation, massage, and travel. Id felt plagued with this anxiety, and worry over not having, a plan, over taking this time out for myself, but in retrospect I see how everything worked out just as it was supposed to. I see the meaning in all of that, and see how it was choreographed by the man/woman upstairs, see how it all worked-out perfectly. Im not sure how Ill feel about the teaching English, where it will lead me. I have a lot of friends already teaching throughout Asia, Southeast Asia, and they all say its a lot of work, but Im feeling energized and looking forward to the challenge. I dont see it really being my professions, or see myself living here forever, but I think it will be great experience, a great learning lesson, and see it possibly being a stepping stone somewhere else! Cheers

The African Man-I heart the Huckabees

If you haven't seen i heart the huckabees, i strongly recommend seeing it. It is definitely one of my favorite movies...
Anyway, I had a similar experience to the main character of i heart the huckabees, which is that when I first arrived in Chiang Mai, I kept seeing this African guy everywhere...he was tall, dreads, lite black skin, so I guess that he could have reallly been from anywhere, but i thought that he had an Arican vibe... I would always try and make eye contact with him just because I saw him so often, but he always looked down at the ground, despite being quite tall... Anyway, I consistently saw him everywhere in Chiang Mai for about 6 weeks in November and December, and then around Chirstmas time, I saw him in Bangkok as well.
Anyway, after not having seen him for a couple of months, I saw him again about a week ago while I was walking through the Sunday market with my friend Lut... and she said that when keep running into the same person like that than that means that he has a message for you, so she recommended that the next time I see him to go up to him and ask, "Do you have a message for me?"
So a couple days later, I was invited to hang out at my friend Jonas's chill guest house, when low and behold, who is there but the African guy..
So I say to him, "I have seen you everywhere, do you have a message for me?"
I guess that I freaked him out by being so direct because he was like, "Absoutely not!" I guess that that is a lot of pressure to put on someone... would have made a great story though, ehh? I didn't really feel a strong connection with him though, and I guess that there is a pretty popular tourist circut, so its not that big of a deal to run into someone consistenly like that, but still I've probably seen this guy about 15 seperate times... Perhaps he'll have a message for me in the future! Turns out he is from Ethiopia...crazy!!

Blind Massage

It was funny, (not really) because after my 26 day massage course, my right foot became numb, I think from sitting in meditation so much, and for days I was hobbling around town, in pain.
The last couple days of the massage course I had decided to go for a run, and borrowed someone's shoes, and I had ended up with this huge blister. Later that same day we went for a hike and the blister popped... this time I was wearing flip flops and it was super painful.
About this time, I got bed bugs, or fleas or something, and my feet completely swelled up with numerous bites...
Our massages were always uneven too because we would just focus on one part and leave the rest out... and somehow the whole left side of my body felt off, like my left foot was an inch shorter than my right foot or something like that...
Anyway, so I once again arrived back in town feeling beat up and limping around...
Someone told me about this excellent bling masseur named Nutt, who was supposed to give brilliant massages.
I signed up!! This man was absolutely amazing, probably the best massage that I've ever gotten!! He would go in soft and gentle and then continue to add more and more pressure to problem areas until it was painful in a good way... I told him that I had sensitive knees, thinking that he would avoid them, but he worked them a lot starting slowly and then adding more and more pressure like I previously described, until I was almost screaming, "That hurts!" I would say... He was so calm, "Yeah, need to heal, pain good!" he would say.
Most of the other thai massages I've had though, they yanked you around like a rag doll, really quickly, this was so different.
Good thing that I didn't know this to begin with, but he cracked my neck and back on the sly when I wasn't expecting, like a chiropractor... it felt so good... good thing that he has a lot of experience!
Anyway... I went in completely beat up, and two and a half hours later, I left walking straight, standing tall, and feeling good!

Butterflies

I've had these amazing experiences with butterflies lately!!
I haven't seen huge amounts of butterflies, but when I was in Pai, I went for a hike and at one point was surrounded on all sides by butterflies, like they were encircling me.
I didn't think much about it except when I was coming back, I ran into someone I had met earlier, and she was reading a book on animal tarot, and she asked me to name an animal that had some significance for me.
I couldn't think of anything right off, and then I remembered being surrounded by the butterflies... They represent transformation, and I feel like I've been going through a lot of transformation lately: the butterflly starts out as an egg, and than has to go inward into the cocoon before it can emerge transformed as the butterfly.
At the massage course one day I was lying down receiving a massage, wearing this tank top that has some flowers embroidered on it, and three times the same butterfly landed on me, and tried pollinating the flower.
The next day a butterfly landed on my yoga mat and stayed there for about 5 minutes while we were doing our morning yoga practice.
And then just a few days ago, I was at an Internet shop which was air-conditioned and all the doors were closed, and this butterfly was in the shop and it kept going back and forth between me and the screne... Lovely!

Confused now more than ever-read 7th

Living in all these different places has stretched my brain, and now I am thoroughly confused... The Lahu’s all live in these one bedroom bamboo hut type things, they all sleep on the floor together, they all have one outfit, they are always together, community seems to be a big thing. There is very little sense of privacy, they all wonder into each other’s homes. The babies are all carried around on people’s backs, family or not..
It’s not a big deal to show one’s breasts as they are considered just a normal part of the body that feeds and nourishes a baby. However, we were not allowed to show our knees because those are considered to be sexually charged. The story that we heard is that since there is relatively little time and privacy to make love, and since its possible that someone will enter your house without knocking, the woman and man both remain clothed while making love, the man is on the bottom, and the woman is straddling him on top, and she just lifts her skirt, revealing her knees...
The women of the village all seem to be overweight while all the men seem to be 1/3 their size. They live off the food that they grow and feed the pigs that they raise all of their leftover scraps. The chickens and dogs seem to be on their own, and there were lots of dogs that looked in especially bad shape everywhere.
The children were all so cute, and seemed to go off and play in groups.
There was one girl in the village whose father was dutch and her mother was Lahu, and they had both passed away, and she, I guess had been to visit family in Holland a couple of times, and attends thai boarding school thanks to the Dutch families money that they send, but she absolutely refuses to live over there. She instead lives with an adopted Lahu family....
It’s interesting how here it is all about family, and how in the west one’s independence is so much more important. I remember a college professor gave this really profound lecture on how we tend to be so much more isolated in western culture daily life, all of us on the highways heading to work in our cars, we can all see each other, yet we can’t make any contact, how we work such long hours, communicate by e-mail, and the phone, etc...How we are so bound by time that we wear watches on our wrists... Yet, are we all longing for real contact, real touch? It makes me think of that movie crash (which I didn’t really care for) where the man says that in Los Angeles, people are so hungry for touch that they crash into one another. I don’t know the answers... I enjoy my independence which is allowing me to travel, yet still keep in touch with people via e-mail and the phone...interesting, ehh... It’s all God....
I think that perhaps in every time period, in every place in the world, there are always obstacles to overcome. Perhaps for the Lahu’s, there struggles have to do with basic health and food concerns, while in the west, most of us don’t have to worry about that because of technology advancements, but those advancements also bring other problems...

Moderation in Moderation-read 6th

It’s funny speaking about health and all that good stuff because I feel like in the past I’ve been persecuted for being too healthy. I remember being a freshman in college and having just come from Belgium where I felt like I was constantly force-fed all fried food, so I come back to the US with this desire to really eat healthfully. Anyway, my college roommate was always telling me how I needed to eat more junk food like she did...
Anyway, so at the massage course, there seemed to be a lot of people who were really health-oriented. There was also a Lahu man who grew and roasted his own coffee beans and set up a sort of “coffee shop” in front of his hut, and the coffee was absolutely delicious. He charged about .30 cents a cup and would just let you keep a running tab and pay at the end...
It started becoming a big deal like, “Ohh meagan, you’ve had so many coffees since you’ve been here,” yada, yada, yada... Our group of roommates were the bad kids, we’d go for coffee after breakfast and lunch, and rebellion formed, one day we even had coffee after dinner too... As Dave says (I got so many good quotes from him) “Moderation in moderation!”
It’s funny too though, the intention that you put food into your body with...we were talking about those people who seem to drink and smoke, yet never get sick... something to think about...
The last night we even threw this little party, one of the guys in the class was a DJ, and had his computer with him, and I’ve never felt such a strong desire to really let loose, dance, drink, get a little crazy.... good times... and “moderation in moderation!”

It's already happening!!-read 4th

We would close our days with some type of group activity for complete closure. The teacher was having problems coming up with activities, so Dave filled in a couple of days and did some tai chi, and other fun energy/movement exercises.
One day he did a Kundalini/Tantra yoga meditation exercise which involved us breathing in deeply and exhaling wonderfully orgasmic, “Ahhhhh,” breaths... It wasn’t too weird or even directly sexual, but a lot of fun... Dave kept saying, don’t worry because, “It is already happening, It’s already happening.” The whole thing was more comical than anything else, especially Dave’s enthusiasm, and the funniest part was that for the rest of the evening whenever we passed a Lahu they would smile at us and let out a big, “Ahhh!” Good times!

I don't get it- read 3rd

What I don’t quite get is this desire to be ego-less, and reach enlightenment... it’s like and then what? what is there?
Buddhism states that the ego is what we are trying to rid ourselves of to a certain degree so that you don’t need to be reincarnated again, right?
And what about the body, and all the wonderful things you can experience in the body? relationships? people? love? making love? chocolate? fresh fruit? All of these things can only be touched in the body, with the ego...
I don’t know about having children and the whole white-picket fence, but I do see myself settling down, with a partner, friends, community, home, career, etc... and it seems like none of that is important if you are enlightened, i.e. ego-less
Dave and I were discussing this, and how our ego does serve us in so many ways, and perhaps its better to strive to have a healthy ego than to be ego-less...
Dave has been a yoga teacher, tai chi teacher, and was once a body piercer, and big raver, he knows about and seems to know a lot about a lot, but it was more like his enthusiasm and joy that seemed to touch me...
After sharing some personal experience with Dave, I’ve decided to pursue meditation in a more balanced way, perhaps not at all, and instead do things like chi gong and tai chi, yoga, etc... that bring you more into the body because I tend to space out and get really involved in my mental thought processes, and meditation seems to encourage that sense of the world getting smaller, and can be somewhat repressive... anyway, we’ll see...
I guess I also enjoy and can’t deny my Christian roots. I’ve had a couple direct experiences lately where I’ve said a prayer and it has been answered directly... I like saying prayers to something bigger than me... not accepting something, but asking for help with it, alas... its all God... I guess its like I’m just taking little nibbles from everything that I’m learning about to make it my own... If that makes any sense at all?

It's all God-It's all o.k.- It's all awesomely o.k.-read2nd

Dave and Lut both coincidentally happened to be followers of the advaita philosophy. Whereas taoism holds that there are two universal dualities: yin and yang that need to be balanced and in harmony to have a satisfying life, Advaita holds that there is no duality and that everything is perfect the way it is, that everything is God... the plants, animals, pollution, cars, ocean, it’s all God...We had this whole conversation the first night about it, and I don’t think that I quite understand everything, but I was struck by this lightness and joy and all down-to-earth quality that Lut and Dave both had... They both had these awesome senses of humor and we laughed a lot...
It’s wierd when you think about it though, and the philosophy causes lots of conflicts: “George Bush is God,” “The child abuser is God.” “The starving man is God.” All non-duality, all existing at once, good and bad, light and dark, etc...
I kept saying,
“Yeah, I get it, but I still believe in a source, a God that I like to pray to,” and Dave kind of through up his arms and was like,
“But who are you praying to?”
“God, of course,” I answered.
“But its all God!”
We laughed and went to bed. Conceptually I understand it, but it is an overwhelming thought. However, advaita continued to creep into my thoughts the following days, and I was thinking about some of the harder experiences I’ve had in the last 5-6 years, and how it is all God, and it does bring some peace, some happiness to it...
And I still don’t quite get it...

Lahu Life-read 1st

So I arrived at the massage school where we departed from to find three couples also signed up for the course, and I was thinking, ohh great! This is going to be fun! Me and three couples all taking the massage course.... Anyway, there was some confusion about the time that we were supposed to meet and about an hour later 6 other people showed up. I ended up chatting and really connecting with this English woman, Madeline, in her early 30's, a Belgian woman Lut, in her early 40's, and another English guy Dave, in his early 40's. Lut has been traveling and living in India for the last 15 years, and Dave has been traveling/living abroad for the last couple of years too, and Madeline is on a two month Holiday where she is going to learn Tai Chi and massage.
So, transportation consisted of all 15 of us packed into the back of 2 small pick-up trucks... Again, I had that fear thing come up... what if they crash? what if I die? etc...It's quite common to see that here in Thailand, but in the US, it is of course illegal...I feel like the US is such a fear culture though too... Anyway, we drove into the mountains, with lots of winding turns: I realizing again how afraid I am of heights, but I survived! And then we then turned off the main road and had a couple miles of a dirt road before we arrived in the village... I felt beat up upon arriving...
We were divided between different bamboo huts throughout the village, and I ended up rooming with Dave, Madeline, and Lut: what a blessing...
The food pretty much consisted of all carbohydrates: fruit and sticky rice for breakfast, sticky rice and veggies for lunch and dinner... Luckily our massage teacher brought brown rice and some beans as supplements, but I definitely noticed the all carb diet isn't super beneficial for my energy levels, but I tried not to put too much energy into it. There was a little shop where they sold eggs and coconuts though, so I supplemented my diet with those foods.
There were common squat toliets (I am a fan! They really are better for you!) and gas heated showers, which worked sporadically, but a nice cold shower was often more refreshing than a hot shower.
We started off the mornings at 6:15 a.m. with yoga and meditation, but we all commented on how much louder the village was than the city: about 4 a.m. the village was alive with roosters and pigs loud and awake! It took me a couple of days to adjust, but I was able to start sleeping through all of that. Our massage practice consisted of 3 hours in the morning, a 2 hour break, and then 3 hours in the evening. It was pretty intense, and disorienting having all of these semi-massages with people who didn’t quite know what they were doing, but overall, it was a great experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything!

Hot, hot, hot.. out of touch, again!

Well, it is definitely heating up around here.. a lot, I am getting used to being constantly sweaty... although my skin is starting to break out : ( But, for now at least I would rather save the money and go for a fan room, compared to an A/C room, that might soon change though.... The A/C rooms are always double the non-A/C rooms. I like the heat though. I guess next month is the hottest, and they also have these water festivals to celebrate the hottest month.

So I'm back in Chiang Mai after spending about 10 days in Pai, soon be heading off to an authentic thai village for 12 days to learn Thai massage, and I'll once again be out of touch!

Tequilla's tough - full moon fun....not!!!

I was planning on blogging about this cute English family that I met about a week ago in Pai when I was out with Jo (my great new auzzie friend). Jo and I, and this English family were both a little lost trying to find this bar that has live music, just a little bit out of town. We ended up sitting with them: a 25 year-old brother, very posh, polished, styled, a little judgemental, possibly gay, a 24 year-old brother, a sort of all-american guy guy (but he's English), super nice, has dreadlocks, and the mom seemed more like the younger brother, kind of hippish.

Anyway, we chatted with them the whole night. The amazing thing is that they had been traveling the world together for the last 18 months. I remember saying to them, "And you are still talking?" They all kind of giggled, but both Jo and I were touched and struck by how amazing and rare it is to see a family traveling together for that long, and they are still speaking. "How endearing," I kept thinking. We were so impressed that they came up in our conversations numerous times throughout the week.

About a week later, we ran into them again at a breakfast restaurant, and the younger brother invited us to a party that he knew about. They seemed so cool, and I was excited to hang out with them again. Anyway, at the party, we all sat around a table and Jo was next to Allen the younger one, and I was next to Glenn, the older one. Anyway, they were all taking tequilla shots, I delined just because I've had too many bad nights that started off with tequilla shots, you know? Well, I guess the true colors started to show because they kept arguing and fighting, and Jo and I were both chuckling to each other, thinking, "Our bubble of this perfect family has been totally crushed!"

Anyway, I decided I'd heard enough arguing, and went to go dance. I actually turned into a dancing queen: there was a huge mirror on the dance floor, and there is something about dancing in front of a mirror that makes me super comfortable, I can dance sooo well if there is a mirror. I can actually see that I am on rhythm, cause I can't always feel if I am or not....

So, after a couple hours Jo and I decided to go hit up the late night bar, bid the family good bye, and told them where we were going. The late night Bamboo Bar was fun, an open air bar made out of all bamboo...Anyway, we were enjoying ourselves, chatting with some people that we had met earlier in the night when the English family came in... The mom was definitely wasted. This time, the younger, hippie brother sat next to me, and we were having great conversation, he was really cool. We decided to go to the bar and get some food, and were standing there waiting for it to be made when Glenn, the older brother came up to Allen, the younger brother, and like obviously had some problem with us chatting, and he kind of pushed Allen and was like, "Your mother is being belligerant, and drunk, you need to take her home!" They then went outside and started just pushing each other and arguing, and then Glenn took off, and then Allen started honking the horn to get his mother's attention, and then the owner went out there and they started arguing, and then I saw the owner come back inside raging, and on this mission to grab something behind the counter, and I freaked out, thinking that it was a gun, so I ran into the bathroom and screamed for a minute, and then went outside. Everything happened so fast that I wasn't really thinking, just going on instincts... Anyway, the owner had grabbed a bat and hit Allen a couple of times, but he was o.k. bleeding just a little bit, but obviously super angry.

Jo was like, "we should go," and for some reason, I just instinctually stayed. I think the mom felt bad, so she was yelling at Allen too, and it was completely crazy, but I just started saying prayers to Archeangel Michael asking for divine intervention (I have a book of inter-faith dieties and prayers that I use often, so I knew to call on Archeangel Michael). Anyway, they kept arguing, and so I was just like I can't help, and told them that I was going to go, and then they just kind of calmed down right away, and I was able to help them home, and I even did some reiki on Allen. Whoa, crazy night! See, I knew not to have any tequilla shots around the full-moon!

Anyway, I saw them the next day, and Allen was o.k. It was almost comical how relaxed they were, like nothing had happened at all... No one seemed even embarassed. Allen's like, "yeah, I'm a little sore!"

"A little sore? You could have been seriously killed!" is what I was thinking. Anyway, it was also comical because we thought this family was so amazing that we had literally talked about them all week, alas we are all only human.

Concluding thoughts: Tequilla shots in a foreign country = very bad... On a brighter note, divine intervention with complete surrender (I seriously surrendered the fact that they might not want any help, and would possibly rather spend the early morning hours yelling in the street) always seems to work!!

Israeli's....everywhere

I also started chatting with the Israelis also staying at my bungalow, and they are super cool. I guess that everyone has to join the army after high school for 3 years, and then they all do these big 6-8 month trips afterwards. They all live at home until they're married, so I think that they can save money much easier. The group at my bungalow had all been to India and then are doing all of Southeast Asia. It's funny too, I think that about 50% of the tourists in this town are Israeli! I witnessed two separate occasions where different, educated town drunks start up arguments with them about their foreign policy. They are all intense people, it must be a really intense place to grow up. It makes me want to go visit that country.
Anyway, the last three days, I've had three different, random Israelis declare their love for me. I'm certain that it is just the blond hair. I ended up running into the same guy two days in a row, and he seriously was like saying how we were meant to be together, and how he is thoroughly in love with me: it was way too much for me coming from American culture where you don't really say how you feel. It's not really a good feeling; I felt really invaded, like you don't even know me, you can't say that. Anyway, it was cool cause I was able to tell him that, and he almost started crying, that's just way too much pressure for me, like he's projecting all this stuff onto me, and not really seeing me... we exchanged e-mail addresses, so if it somehow hits me that that is my soul mate, I'll be able to get in touch with him. HaHa! I do really like dark men though, I'd like to find some balance between their passion and American mens indifference (at least so. Cal men).

Nothing Better

Driving on the motorbike the other day, in the country to the hot springs, I was surrounded by these lush, rolling mountains, hot sun beating down on me, warm wind blowing through my hair, I was really struck by this feeling of total freedom, excitement, and a complete sense of contentment, like there is nothing better!! I've had that feeling numerous times here: walking, eating, sitting, all of my senses have been reawakened, coming off automatic pilot, like I'm rediscovering all of life's sensual experiences. Again, I have this really strong feeling of faith and trust in my higher self, like for right now, I'm listening and being led.
I've already decided that for my honeymoon, I don't want to do some fancy two week trip, but would rather do a more rugged 3-6 month motorcycle tour of South America, like in The Motorcycle Diaries. I am not sure about having a motorcycle in the US cause people seem to have a lot less awareness while driving than here.

My piece of Pai

I finally made it to this little town nestled in the mountains only about 100 miles from Chiang Mai, but it is about a 3 hour trip with all the winding turns, etc... It's funny, they really encourage you to take the "mini-bus" there which picks you up at your guest house, but really it is like this old mini-van that they have some packed 12 seats into, no shocks, and then AC doesn't really work. I get quite claustrophobic cramped in there. I think from now on, I'll stick to the public transportation which is actually cheaper and more comfortable: the little tricks that you learn once you have been traveling for a while.
Anyway, upon arriving, I ran into a girl from my meditation retreat, small world, and she showed me some bungalows on the river to stay at. You have to cross this bamboo bridge, and I was a little uneasy as to whether it would hold me with all of my stuff, but it did!! I am staying in a typical thai bungalow: It is raised about 10 feet above the ground, made completely out of bamboo, and with a good-sized, comfortable bed, and a big mosquito net around it. It also has electricity which is nice, and then we all share a bathroom and shower.
It is absolutely beautiful, situated right on the river, nestled between rice pasties, and grazing areas for cattle. The town is in a little valley, surrounded by mountains, very touristy with a good amount of farang who live here. The town is tiny though, with only 2 traffic lights, and I didn't realize just how hectic Chiang Mai is, and not until I left do I now realize how lovely the country is! I am not really a city girl! Lots of good food, I've explored some waterfalls and natural hot springs on the motorbike, and am just kind of hanging out, enjoying the heat, hiking, swimming, taking it all in...
It was rather a hard adjustment into "normal" life after the meditation retreat. At my bungalows, there was this large group of Israelis (they're everywhere) who were kind of dominating the common area, and for the first time while traveling, I was overwhelmed by this complete feeling of aloneness and shyness for a day or two. Anyway, emotions are impermanent. I ended up meeting this really cool auzzie girl who is only 19, and we seem to really click. She's from the sticks in Australia, and works these really intense seasonal, 90 hour a week jobs for 3 months, and then goes off traveling for 6-9 months. She seems very secure, and soulful for being 19. We have distant future plans to bartend together in one of these tiny towns in Australia, where they pay you and provide room and board, just for the experience. I also have learned reiki here, and that is so awesome!! I've been using it ever day on myself!

Falling off the toilet for the first time!

They ended up being sold out of bus tickets on the day that I was going to do my border run, so I had to go one day early to avoid the late exist fine which meant that I had to leave the monastery really early one morning with all of my stuff. I was planning on getting a guest house in town, drop off my stuff, and then do the border-run... Anyway, it wasn't too bad and it all worked out. I left my big backpack in the car, and crossed the border, and stamped my passport with my backpack that had my laptop in it, and my shoulder bag. I then went to a little restaurant, and got some food, and went to use the bathroom. It was just a squatter, and there was water all over the bathroom floor, so I decided to go while still holding my backpack and large shoulder bag.... Anyway, as I was getting up, I started to slip, and then the weight of my heavy backpack pulled me right back down, and I ended up sprawled all over the wet, dirty floor, landed right on my computer in this totally helpless position. It took me a couple minutes to get situated to get back up. Mac's are great though; the computer is totally unharmed! I thought that you had to be over the age of 60 to fall off the toilet though!! Although the squatter can sometimes be more difficult than it sounds!

Afterthoughts

I am just aware again that I can't really be put into any box. I liked the retreat a lot, but I wouldn't really call myself Buddhist, and I don't necessarily relate to all of the Buddhist beliefs. I guess that I enjoy studying different religions, and then pulling a little bit from them all.

Knarly, yet difficult with a hint of zesty pleasure!

So I guess that I had this pre-conceived notion that meditating for 26 days would be ohh so relaxing, and while it was great, I definitely wouldn't call it relaxing.

You get your own living quarter which is nice, and I was placed with the thais, and they had a much nicer accomodations than the foreigners. It was a newer, basic room, we got a little mat and slept on the tile floor, had our own bathrooms with a cold shower, but still, I was able to adjust to that seemingly easily. My first night though, I swear my lower back/hip area went numb, so I started sleeping on my meditation mat... not too bad!! The cold shower while hard to get into, was quite refreshing. No mirror though! That was very foreign to not look at yourself for that long and I caught myself trying to look at my reflection in wondows. We also wore these plain white slacks and shirts that they provided (very flattering!) and then the women had to wear a scarf around their chest as a modesty symbol.

I stayed at a regular monastary with monks, and then they also have this program that allows thais and foreigners to come and meditate. People come and go at different times and stay for different lengths of time. They taught us individually the meditation techniques which consisted of walking and sitting meditation. We were then on our own, free to practice outside, surrounded by numerous temples and Buddha figures, inside one of the temples, or in our room. They encouraged us to stay in our room though. The ground themselves were beautiful, all of these enormous, huge, old trees and numerous different temples and buildings, all enclosed by a big brick wall. It was sort of a mix between fall, spring and summer: a little cool in the morning, warm in the afternoon, and then there were constant leaves falling everywhere, and the novice monks swept constantly. The monastary was quiet by thai standards with plently of construction going on and a few nervous, stray/adopted barking dogs.

The first day we were told to meditate in 15 minute segments, alternating walking and sitting, completing a total of 6 hours. We would then check-in with the master, explain our experience, and they increased our time one hour every day until we were meditating for 12 hours a day, one hour sitting, one hour walking. The master was gone the first 10 days of my retreat, so I spoke with this fiestly German woman who I guess had been assosiated with the temple for the last 30 years or so. She was motivating, and helpful. The technique that they taught consisted of constant mental dialogue of what was going on in your body, "sitting, sitting, sitting," "walking, walking, walking," and when you got distracted by a thought or fear, you would acknowledge that by saying, "thinking, thinking, thinking," "anxious, fear, pain" etc...

We also took part in the ritualistic aspects of Buddhism which inculded an opening and closing ceremony, chanting before our two meals, not eating anything solid after 12 pm, bowing 3 times to the buddha and master before eating, and before speaking to him. And then also every full moon, quarter moon, and new moon is considered a "Buddha day," where they have a ceremony in the evening which consists of a lecture and then the monks and lay people take these candle/ incense/ flower boquets and walk around one of the huge buddha pogodas (this tall spherical monument that has buddha images carved into) three times, before praying to the Buddha, bowing, lighting then candles and leaving the flower boquet on the pagoda. It was so beautiful, we weren't allowed to take pictures though!

Anyway, lots of different emotions came up... Sometimes I almost felt like I was in school again, stressed and anxious to get all the hours in...other days, I felt like my mind retaliated, and I was having constant mental dialogues with all the people that have been in my life through growing up, school, work, and travel experiences. Other days, it was just a lot of emotion, thoughts about my future, and there is no where to turn, nothing you can do to escape, distract yourself, etc... Day 10 I was having so much anxiety, I felt ready to go, thank you very much, adios amigos!! But I stayed, and it is amazing how once you really acknowledge and feel everything, things seem to calm down and get released. The German woman kept speaking about presence, and when you are truly present, in the moment, the future takes care of itself, happens effortlessly, which I've had direct experience as being true, but something very foreign to us westerners.

About day 12 or so, the master came back, and he was so calm and relaxed. He didn't say much, but I felt very calm around him. About day 15, he started reducing our hours of sleep down until we were sleeping no more than 4 hours a night. I would be so tired, that I would go to bed at 10 pm and get up at 2 am... and it was definitely a struggle, but I felt like I did adjust.

Most of the foreigners coming only stay for 10 days, but there were a couple of us who did the full 26 day course. We weren't supposed to speak, but everyone ends up talking a little bit, laid back Thailand. About day 20 or so, I was so tired that I had gone to lunch and forgotten to put on my modesty scarf. It wasn't really that big of a deal. There was one Spanish girl, staying for 10 days who was so funny. She said to me, "Ohha, youa looka like youa goin to the beach, wherea is your scarf? I-a see-a you ona day 20 meditating, and Ia say to my friend, see what-a happen on a day 20... no thank you, Ia leave after daya 10!"

Anyway, so the last three days you were to stay in your room and not allowed to bathe, or clean, and they bring you food. You are supposed to stay up all night, you are allowed to take breaks, but not sleep. You can leave your room to go check-in with the master. The first night I was fine, it was difficult, but the woman next to me was doing the same thing, so I think that that provided some motivation, and though I was really tired, once the sun came up, I was fine. It is sorta like running a cross-country race, you think that you won't make it, but you keep going, and you do make it.

The second night however, I had to sleep about two hours... physically the body is in so much pain sitting erect and walking cause there is no rest really. It was probably the closest experience I'll ever really have to being on drugs. It started feeling like the floor was moving, rolling, swayig underneath me, and then it felt like my feet had lead bricks on them, I really couldn't physically lift them anymore... I only slept two hours though. The last night I was kinda over it and I slept 4 hours. I think everyone ended up sleeping... I had no guilt about sleeping... It started feeling inhuman, we are still physical beings, you know?

Overall, it was great! I feel like I can really do anything ! More to come later!

26 Days of Silece

I'll be out of touch for the next month and check-in again early March. I'll be doing a 26 day meditation retreat which I am very much looking forward to. I think that this one isn't quite as strict as the last one that I did, and I'll have my own room which is nice. We also alternate between sitting and walking meditation, so it won't be so hard on the back. I'm also looking forward to it because it is at a Buddhist Monastary, so I'll get to take part in some of their rituals: there is an opening ritual, Buddha day rituals (which correspond to the moon cycle) and a closing ritual, so I'll have to bring candles, insence, and lotus flowers, and during the whole retreat, I wear white loose clothing. It should be interesting, certainly challenging. I'll be getting up at 4 am, the first meal of the day is at 6 am, and the second and final meal of the day is at 10 am... I understand that the last three days of the meditation that the mind is in such a great state that you meditate consistently, and don't sleep.

Ignoring Problems

Yeah, so when I first moved into this apartment, I was using this thick apricot scrub facewash that I believe semi-clogged the drain to my shower. "Ahh, that's not a big deal if it takes hours for the shower to drain, I only use it once a day, right?" The apartment manager speaks very broken English while I speak even more broken thai, and it leaves me with this fear of a) expressing myself, b) causing a problem. Isn't it somehow my fault that the drain is clogged? I should have known not to use that face wash? What was I thinking? Now, I know that I would be able to get my point across and that they would understand no matter what the language problem, but I again I start to think, Well I shouldn't even try unless I can do it perfectly? Again, I am reminded of learning french through complete immersion as an exchange student and how traumatic it was. Ahh, I'll just leave the drain that way... it's not really that big of a deal.
So, now the water won't drain at all, and I'm reminded that problems stick around until you deal with them. I am reminded of all the other farangs I know here who also have about my level of language skill but who aren't afraid to just go for it, make a fool of yourself, maybe you'll be understood, maybe not, but just speak, and try, and eventually that is how you learn. So, today I am going to face this little problem which is a small metaphor for all other problems, and perhaps I will cause a little problem by telling them the drain doesn't work. I really don't think they'll mind. I'm remided that just because something stops working doesn't mean its my fault necessarily, right? I also think of all my customer service jobs where I would take every complaint, every problem as something personally wrong with me. Funny how we do that, eh??
I remember working with one black girl from the south who started to teach me a little bit about standing up for myself. She would never take any crap from customers and would always talk about how she would go off on people if they really bothered her, "Excuse me, you need to get out of my face, and take your business somewhere else, cause I am about to go off, and you don't want to see me go off!" She wasn't quite that direct to their face, but I learned a lot from Catherine.
Speaking of customer service, I'm rather enjoying the lack of here. If the food takes a while to get out, the food takes a while to get out, if you have to wait an hour to see the dentist, you have to wait an hour to see the dentist.... That wouldn't work in the US where time is money, but it also builds all these people with overinflated egos who take themselves too seriously. "You don't understand, this is unacceptable that I should have to wait this long for this." I guess that things also cost a lot more in the US, so you expect a lot more. The chaos of all my customer service jobs: waitress, bank teller, customer service representative, being yelled at by people, when really it's the system that's flawed, not me. A little Buddhist philosophy in the the US certainly wouldn't hurt though. That is life, sometimes you have to wait...

Indesicive Meagan

So I think that I had posted that I was getting my wisdom teeth out here, as numerous people have recommended that I do that. The dentist decided to do one half of my mouth first and then wait and do the other side of the mouth, so that in the meantime I could still eat on one side of my mouth. The top tooth came out relatively easy, and then bottom tooth he pryed on for a good 25 minutes, rending me with total lock-jaw before it came out. Other than it making me nervous, it wasn't too painful, except that my jaw kept hurting for days following the procedure. I mentioned to a couple people what I had done, and whereas before I kept hearing, "you need to get those teeth out, " this time everyone kept saying, "why would you do that?" And then I started thinking about it, just cause numerous dentists have told me that I need to do this, does that mean I really do? In the US they told me the same thing, I think everyone bottom line maybe is just out to make a buck. Anyway, and I started thinking about it, poor little wisdom tooth wasn't bothering anyone, wasn't getting infected, wasn't messing up my bite, was chillen out, partly exposed, partly imbedded in the gum, and I go in there and rip it from its home, leaving my mouth with this huge gash. Why do we do such things?
Again, my mind is racing a million miles an hour, "Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't take the other side out." I've been gifted with an abundance of Libra in my astrological chart, nearly half of my planets fall in Libra, the scales, constantly looking at both sides, balancing things, thinking through all possible outcomes before making a decision, wanting to be friends with everyone, walk on both sides of the line. A friend says about my constant indecisiveness, "I don't know how you live like that!"
So, I decide to not get the other side of my wisdom teeth out... Let them stay... if there is no problem, than why fix it?
Let these wisdom teeth be a reminder of my neurotic ways, my indecision, and I've decided to just start making decisions from that gut level, place of instinct, and if it is a wrong decision, let it be a learning lesson. My intention is to get more in the body, less in the mind at the meditation retreat. It's a constant battle, but I'll have 26 days to do it!!

Taking things for granted

So I was finishing up my appointment with this body worker (he's amazing, does this mix between thai massage, energy work, rolfing, and accupressure) and I put my little bag in the front basket to drive home, and he warns me about maybe carrying it over my shoulder to avoid anything being stolen. His English isn't great, so I sluffed off his warning because I haven't heard of anyone getting anything stolen. Two days later I wake up and go to get my wallet, only to realize that it must have fallen out while I was driving my bike around. What a bummer, I had all of my credit cards, ATM, everything except my passport, thank goodness. Good thing I'll be at the meditation retreat next month, and I'll just budget until then. Anyway, when things like that happen I like to take them as a learning experience.... next time i'll be more careful, I have grown a little lazy as I've gotten more comfortable here. When something like this happens it really makes you realize how much you take that little piece of plastic for granted... and it makes me think of other things I've been taking for granted: that motorbike that takes me safely around the whole town, my health, my friends and family, this experience, grateful for it all, even grateful for this little reminder to not take anything for granted!!

Chiang Mai Night Safari

So the government has invested a huge amount of money into creating the Chiang Mai night safari. They have shipped over animals from Southern Africa to make it a truly exotic experience. The opening date keeps getting postponed, and there seems to be huge amounts of problems... one of them being that they were planning on also having an exoitc restaurant where you could first go to the Night Safari and see all of these wonderful animals, and then you could go to the restaurant and feast on Wild Zebra for 4,000 baht (about $100 US dollars) or how about some giraffe. Anyway, as one can imagine there was huge protests from environmental organizations and from the countries in southern Africa who are sending over the animals, so they've done away with the exotic menu. I find the whole thing comical in this really twisted way.

Sollution to the Polution?

I think the pollution starts to get worse this time of the year, or possibly because I live just outside of town, I am on the motorbike a lot more which exposes one to all the fumes of the tuk-tuks, cars, and other motorbikes. Often times it is this black exhaust which comes out, I've never seen that in the US, no fuel-emission standards I guess. Anyway, the last couple days, my throat has been bothering me and my eyes have been burning all day. I guess that is the only thing that can drive people from Chiang Mai's charming atmosphere... many people get respitory problems. Anyway, I invested the .$25 cents in a mask that covers my face while I am biking, so now I'll look like a real freak with my pink helmet while I am riding! Hopefully that will help, I try not to think about it too much though. The other day, I saw this farang get off his bike with a full-on gas mask looking thing that protruded from his face a good 4", giving him an anteater look. I guess that will solve the problem, but i don't think I am ready to go quite that far.

Stray-dog Symphony

There are lots of stray dogs here, many walking around who look pregnant or like they just gave birth. It seems like I've seen people feeding them, and I think the monks at the monastaries take care of them too. I've heard that in India, it is much worse, and that people kick and don't take care of all the strays. I absolutely love dogs, and most seem pretty happy, a lot look like they aren't in great shape. Anyway, two nights in a row, I cannot sleep because they seem to be barking all night long!! Every time a plane flies overhead too, for at least 5 minutes, all that you can hear is every dog within a one-mile radius barking! :)

Dentists, Doctors, Bodyworkers

The last couple of years in the US, I put off a lot of things because I was working so hard going to school and working, while simultaneously trying to stay sain.
Anyway, I figured that I better get some things taken care of here, and I am still amazed by how efficient and cheap everything is!
I saw a doctor the other day for $10. I got my teeth cleaned yesterday, $12! They also recommended that I get my wisdom teeth out which I've been hearing for a couple of years, so I decided to go for it. It is so funny because I think with my insurance and my co-pay in the US, it would have been about $400 US dollars. I'm getting all 4 done for $75 US dollars here. He did one side the other day, and is waiting a couple of days to do the other side. It was relatively easy and relatively painless. My top tooth came out right away, but he pulled on my bottom tooth a good 25 minutes before he got it out. Everyone looks so young here, including the dentist, and I started freaking out for a brief couple of minutes thinking, "What had I gotten myself into?" This was obviously some imposter dentisit who probably didn't have his credentials, etc... Anyway, it came out, and worked out just fine. (I had seen his credentials before I underwent the operation).
The other day, I also embarked on my motorbike to find the elusive Mr. Poo, who is supposed to be the best bodyworker in all of the Northern Province. Anyway, about an hour later, (the labeling and numbering system for roads doesn't make much sense), I found him. He is a master teacher for experts wanting to improve their thai massage, and he was able to detail all of my body problems (my knees, hips, back, and shoulders have been seriously messed up since I was on the rowing team about 6 years ago), by simply looking at my feet, and the way I carried myself. Anyway, he said he should be able to fix it all with 3 appointments, and he charges the huge sum of $30 for each appointment (relatively expensive by thai standards). It's so great because this is all stuff that has been bugging me for a while, which would cost about 4-5 times the price in so. cal.
I've also recently discovered the "oil massage," which is similar to a traditional Swedish massage, definitely a sensual experience. While I like the traditional thai massage, one is clothed, lying on the floor, and sometimes the recipient isn't sure if they are getting a massage or being bruised and beaten, ouch! Anyway, it all so amazing, $5 for an hour.

Need Gas?

This happened about a month ago, but I forgot to write about it, and I thought that it was so funny! Kyle and I went to go see King Kong and it didn't get out until about 2 a.m., and the streets were all pretty empty. Anyway, Kyle ends up running out of gas, and we stop at the side of the road, still probably a good mile from where we were staying. I crossed the street just on instinct, maybe getting ready to walk home, when this thai man stops on his bike and in English asks, "Problem?"
"Oh nothing I say, just no gas!"
"Oh gas,?" he says, and shows me a big water bottle full of gas! He pulled up and gave us enough to get home.
"Happen to me, before, no gas, now have bottle," he says.
We thanked him profusely and drove home. It was funny! I saw him drive up to the next person who seemed to be out of gas just ahead of us to help him out as well. What an awesome guy!

Manifestation

The other week I overheard this woman speaking about manifesting friends, etc... She said, "And then I just remembered that all that I had to do was manifest friends!" And it was great to hear someone say that, and I silently said the same thing to myself that moment also. I haven't really had a problem with friends here, but when I said that I seriously started meeting really cool, like-minded people, that gave me info on meditations, yoga, massage, travel, teaching in a hill-tribe, Inida, and there is actually another westerner in my apartment building from Germany who speaks Thai and English, he would be a great friend to have!! So my conclusion is that manifestation does work. I got pretty much instant results. Some of those people i've met have stayed in my life, and a lot of them came and went like travelers often do.

New Year's 2006-Good Omens

Well I feel like the days seem to blend together here to a certain degree and it didn't really register that it was New Year's Eve until the afternoon. I was busy that day running around getting things for my apartment, and then I met up with some friends that I met through my language class. They are working in a different city with a Christian organization to help the native hill-tribe people. Anyway, they had moved about 3 weeks earlier, so it was fun to see them again, and then we went to go see The Cronicles of Narnia which I totally loved, and reminds me of my own processes- facing my fears and getting in touch with my raw lion energy-grrr- i'm a leo the lion- yet I've always identified more with my libra moon (yes, I am into astrology). Anyway, it is my intention to get in touch with that very authentic, real, raw, strong, creative, shining my light, leo the lion energy. So I took the movie as a very good omen and a perfect way to start my New Year's Eve.
I then went to a roof-top bar here and met up with some other friends and had a pretty fun, chill night. We drank, watched the fireworks, I called some people at midnight, which was 9 a.m. on the west coast (wierd, ehh?), and I danced a little bit, talked to a few guys, no one really grabbed my attention.
Everyone was ready to leave at 1:30 a.m. and that is kinda of early, but I figured that i had broken my bad New Year's Eve streak (my last 3 have been quite bad). Anyway, as I was leaving, I saw this guy who I had noticed the previous day at a restaurant, and he motioned me to come over. I was in the process of leaving, so I just kept walking out, and turned to look at him one last time, and he stuck his tongue out at me. Down stairs I was putting on my shoes to go, when it dawned on me, "What am I doing? I need to go talk to that guy!"
Anyway, meeting this guy was my second really good omen for 2006! We talked all night, and he was super funny, sarcastic, sensitive, cute, respectful, all of the above. We had a lot in common, and he kept reading me, guessing things pretty right on about me, and he would do these great impersenations of me! We laughed a lot, and also had some deep conversation. I feel like my heart has been closed for the last while, and although we went our separate ways, I think it was just one of those moments that you know is impermanent, but that also changes your world, and changes your life path just a couple degrees. I didn't even think of getting his contact info cause he is soon going back to the US, and I've had a couple similar experiences, and you try and keep in touch, but that quickly fades away as you both get busy with your separate lives. But I really regretted that afterwards, o well, life goes on. So meagan is still single and enjoying life that way.... I feel like I still have a little work to do, but it will be nice when I'm ready, and so is he. I guess this guy just gave me faith that men like him exist; I was really starting to doubt it. I feel like people love me, love telling me their problems, I don't always understand it or get it, but it often leaves me with this invisible feeling like people can only see me to tell me all about themselves, at least that has been my experience in Thailand. Anyway, astrologically (i always take astrology with a grain of salt, but it is just interesting!) he was a leo (another omen that I am getting in touch with my leo-ness) with a moon in Libra and libra rising just like me, no wonder we got along! Thank you Alexander, wherever you are! :)

New Apartment

So I moved into this pretty nice, brand new, studio apartment!! It's like a very large hotel room, with plenty of storage, and a nice balcony that faces the mountains. It is funny because this is the first time in my adult life that I've had my own space, and it is so cheap, about $90 a month. I am outside of the city just a little bit, so that is both excellent, and has its draw backs at the same time. The first night was a little rough though! It is not furnished and I couldn't figure out how to make the hot water work, so I took a quick cold shower and got to sleep on my towel. The next day, I picked up a few things, and the manager in his very broken English showed me how to use the hot water... there is an adjustment for the water pressure and less water pressure equals hotter water! Yay!!
So I'll be here for just a month and then its off to a monastary for 26 days of silence, meditation, bring it on, I'm actually really looking forward to it!! After that I am planning on doing a massage course in a hill-tribe village, and then start working!

Christmas in Bangkok/ Khoa San Road

Rebecca and I took the overnight train to Bangkok, it is about a 14 hour train ride, it's only an hour flight, but we've got time, and we took the overnight sleeper. We sat in normal seats, and it was really amazing how they come around and convert everything into these comfy, compact beds. The bed was so comfortable and cozy, without a doubt, my best night's sleep! (The bed's here seem to be either super hard or super soft).
Last time that I was in Bangkok, I purposely avoided the Khoa San Road area, this is the main backpacker's street where there are pretty much all westerners/bars/ travel agencies/ shops, but since I was with Rebecca, I decided to stay where all of the back packer's stay. We got an o.k. hostel, but for what I was paying in Chiang Mai for a really clean place with hot water, TV, and fridge, I got this semi-dirty place, really small with cold water, and no amenities!! Anyway, it wasn't too bad, the cold shower thing you can definitely get used to. Anyway, it was definitely dissorienting to say the least. Khoa San Road kinda reminds me of this rowdy, international version of Isla Vista in Santa Barbara. I enjoyed it, but I don't think I ever need to go back there!!
I indulged a couple times in Starbucks while on Khoa San Road. They charge pretty much American prices at the store, so it is quite expensive by thai standards. I've definitely started thinking in terms of baht and not dollars! Anyway, you can not meet nicer people than the people who work at Starbucks!
We also tried getting around the city, and that proved to be completely impossible by car!! Total landlocked traffic jams most of the time, and the pollution is sooo bad down there. I really started missing my little jewel of Chiang Mai right away.
Anyway, we ventured on a day-tour of Attuya, an ancient city with ruins. I am always a little weary of organized tours, and now I know why! It was comical, but it looked like they picked the tour guide up off of the street early that morning in every way. He was speaking some type of mixture of English and Thai, and no one was able to understand him. Someone on our tour started laughing, and it was contagious, I couldn't stop laughing the whole day. Poor man, but he probably shouldn't be a tour guide!!
On Christmas, Rebecca went to meet up with her boyfriend who had just arrived, and I actually took the local bus to this huge weekend market. I was the only non-thai on the bus, and they kinda grabbed me to get off the bus at my stop. Once you get out of the touristy areas, people seem to be extra-friendly. I was so proud of myself though that I was able to figure that out! I then got a call from Jamie, a high school friend who was also in Bangkok for the time being. Anyway, we set a rendez-vous point, and I decided that I better take off right away to get there in time. I gave myself about 45 minutes or so. I hadn't yet tried the motorcycle taxis, so I figured that I would give it a whirl, it is the quickest way to get around. Anyway, it seems like no one knows where anything is in Bangkok, so I took the taxi to a dfferent spot and then walked to her hotel. It was quite a fun adventure, manuvering around huge buses, and going up on the sidewalks to avoid traffic/ etc... One bad thing (getting behind the buses that seem to blow exhuast right directly into your face! It was great to catch up with Jamie. I then had a late lunch with Rebecca and her boyfriend, and then that night I went out with my friend's brother Michael and his thai/western friends who all live in Bankok. It was such a great day packed with a lot of cool people!
The next day, I took the train back to Chaing Mai. They were sold out of the sleepers, so I had to take the normal seating back and it was this time a 16 hour train ride!! I was one of the only westerners on the train, and again it is funny how everyone rallies to help you out! I bought a pre-packaged meal that turned out to be hot as fr*&$!!!! I took a couple bites and then started flipping out, and someone gave me a soda right away, and another person gave me some candy to help the burn go away. It is funny how little thai I know, yet how impressed people are when you use it!
So I arrived home (Chiang Mai) 16 hours later at 6 am... AHHH!!! I don't think you can pay me to go back to Bangkok! Actually its not too bad for less than 36 hours!
P.S. I just learned that taking the bus to bangkok is about half the price as taking the train and it takes half the amount of time! I guess you live and learn!

Rebecca's visit/ Meagan adjusting

A friend/roommate from Santa Barbara came to visit in mid-December (I guess that it has been a while since I last wrote). It was really fun playing tour guide, and it really made me realize how much I have acclamated to the culture, and how much I do know in terms of the language and being able to get around. It is funny how you don't realize how you have progressed until someone comes along who is fresh and new to the culture. We had a good time, and she was a good sport in terms of riding on the back of the motorbike. It is funny how completely comfortable I am with driving the motorbike now!

run for the border-pure joy, what is it?

So, I don't have a thai VISA. They are quite difficult to obtain, and a job here doesn't even guarantee getting a VISA, but there are numerous travel agents throughout town that offer a mini-bus to the Mynmar (Burma) border. It's about 4 hours each way, and then it takes over an hour at the border, so it ends up being about a 10 hour day! So i'll be doing this every 30 days!!
Rachel, a friend from my thai class had to go as well, so we took the same mini-van that seats about 10 people.
The driver went around to all the guest houses to pick people up, most of them are travelers that just wanted a little more time in Thailand. The first excitement of the day started off with this 5'4" guy getting in the bus while talking on his cell phone. He was obviously suffering from little man's syndrome among other problems that I can intuitively pick-up on, but he proceeded to tell his friend, "Dude, man, I fuckin' hooked up with this chick the other night who looks exactly like Angelina Jolie, I want to marry this girl, she's so fuckin' hot!"
And I was thinking, "I seriously doubt that!" Anyway, it was complete silence in the bus, and the conversation lasted no joke, 45 minutes. We got to hear about him touching a transvestites breast among other likely fabrications... good times : ) Someone even said something to him, and he replied with, "ohh I'm almost out of minutes." WHO DOES THAT?
The trip up there was really pretty, there were winding roads through the mountains, and I find it so funny that they bother painting the lines on the road because no one seems to follow them. For example, if the road curves a bunch, the driver will just keep going straight, consistently going into oncoming traffic's lane. They seem to all be conscious of what they're doing though, so i just relaxed.
The driver dropped us off at the border, and I had to pay a small fine because I exited the country one day late, and then you go in this small room and pay the thai/mynamar officials the exit fee, and then they keep your passport, and give you this little pink piece of paper. It was a little sketchy, but Rachel was with me and had been through it all once before, so she assured me that it was normal. I guess that they hang onto your passport so that you will not stay in Mynamar, I am not sure how one would go about doing that.
Anyway, we went to the market, and it was definitely a lot poorer than Thailand. We were bombarded by numerous people to buy different things. It was a little overwhelming, but not too bad. I bunch of people were trying to sell us cigarettes, $2.50 for a carton, but I don't smoke!!
I guess before I would get so sad seeing that, but I am sort of releasing the burdens of the world from my back, and boy is that a heavy load that I've carried around. I gave a little boy a little money, but I realize that I cannot save the whole world, but I like doing little things like that, and to a certain degree things are where they are meant to be. There will be suffering in this world, but it is not my job to feel everyone else's pain. The whole system of life and death is much to vast for me to understand and maybe these people are playing out there own karma to a certain degree. My definition of karma is a way for people to learn lessons; there is a lot of compassion involved, not so black and white that you did bad so know you are paying for it. At the market, I had this total image of Paris Hillton in her next life as a beggar, not in a mean way, just more like she may be able to learn from that. It was wierd how that popped into my head. Anyway, I think this Vipassana Meditation is really purifying my mind, my emotions. I like to send people silent blessings but not get emeshed in their pain either. Maybe I am just toughening up!
Again, that is a problem that I find with the US is that we have everything, yet I still feel like few people are truly happy. It really does come from the inside. Not that I am idealizing poverty or suffereing or saying that money is the root of all evil, because it is not. Money gives one the power to do a lot of good in the world. No one who is hungry is happy. At the same time, money does not equal happiness, and we are really trained to believe that it does.
Pure joy: this morning I danced crazy in front of the mirror, able to feel my body, and the rhythms of life in a really healthy way: that is pure joy! I am just starting to get in touch with my body, (thanks Esalen). Do you want to see people who are really out of touch with their body? Go to any mid-western $4.95 buffet, and I'll show you some people who are out of touch with their bodies. It's like we suffer in the US from the same things, only that they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I think of these Africans and Brazilians who are brought up with that culture of dance, soul, rhythm, how great that is! Our American culture is consumerism. Anyway, I realize that there are problems everywhere. Again, that is why I really like Vipassana meditation: it brings out one's true happiness...
Back to my trip, speaking of consumerism, I bought a couple of CD's for about a dollar a piece at the market, good deal! Isn't music joy though too? I think so, especially live music.
Time is also pure joy: i've really been soaking up this current free time that I've had lately, knowing that it is not going to last forever. I chose to go to school in Santa Barbara and got to live in Paradise, but then I also got to work numerous Christmas and Thanksgivings, Spring Breaks, and my few vacations were usually spent in a car driving to see my dad and then my mom. Anyway, and then I graduate college and think that my 40 hour a week job will allow me more free time, only to learn that it is all consuming, I have time for nothing, and two weeks off a year?? What is that? I've met so many Europeans here who are on month-long holiday, or doing year-long trips around the world. It's just a different economy, I guess. We just work so hard in the US to get all this stuff that we have no time to enjoy it. Anyway, I am not preaching, or saying that socialism is better than capitalism. I am sure that it is much more compicated than I am really understand, and I am just speaking from my own experiences. I just think that we invest too much in stuff and not enough in leisure time.
Anyway, so then, we got our passports and headed back to the bus. Everyone was there on time except for the little man. We had to wait about 30 minutes for him, and circle around a couple times. There was this old, hippie man also on the bus who had this strong smokers voice and he was so angry at the little man, "Let's just leave him! That guy has no sense of respect!"
He then took it upon himself to start chatting with me, "You know lady, you're generation really scares me! You guys go around talking on your cell phones, no respect!! You know when I was your age, I was getting my ass kicked every day by the police protesting Vietnam. Where's your generation with this war?"
I guess to a certain degree, he has a point, but I don't like people who talk to me like that. I assuaged him by telling him that that was why I left the country, and then I politely turned around so he couldn't speak to me any longer.
Anyway, little man comes about 30 minutes later, and old hippie guy says, "Did you buy a watch? You know that's real cheap, real cheap!" ( I love it when people say "real" instead of "really." It makes me smile)
Little man responded with a weak, "ohh sorry man!"
About six months ago, one of my roommates in Santa Barbara told me that he had a dream that I was supposed to read Carlos Cadenada. Anyway, I bought the book right away and never had time to read it, and finally started reading it on the way back from the border. I was at the part where he first took peyote and is seeing a dog who he is playing with who is supposed to be some master, when I hear these screaching breaks, look up, but I can't really see anything, and I feel the car slightly hit this dog, but it seems as if, he just pegged the back part of the dog, and the dog stumbled and then kept running. i am so glad the dog was o.k. and I found it all kind of ironic. Perhaps a sign..
The following day, I was lounging in the park continuing my read, when there was a small earth quake! Interesting, ehh?
So that was my run for the border....